Starting over once again....

I do not know how many times I have written a post such as this one...

Life has seemed to get in the way once again and I have gotten off track from a lot of things. However, while I haven't necessarily gone completely astray...

I intend on continuing my journey to become healthier, both physically and emotionally.

My only hope is that life will be a little more helpful in this journey...

- B <3

Healthy May, Healthy Me - 5/1/2013

Starting today I'm doing everything that I possibly can to be healthier...

I know I've said this before, but I've really been thinking; May is going to be full of changes for me.
I've finished this semester, I'm moving in a few weeks.... New house, new job, new me.

I started a 30 day exercise plan that involves walking, crunches, and squats. I figured that's a good start.

And I'm also not wearing make-up for the month of May... Only thing I'm gonna wear is moisturizer (not tinted) and lip balm/chapstick. I figure if I'm gonna make May a health month, I might as well go all out.

My goal isn't to lose a certain amount of weight, it's just to follow through with the routine and the more weight I do lose, the better I'm going to feel.

I did not do my crunches or squats today, but I did work all day which involved a lot of walking.


I'm excited to start my new journey...

And I can't wait to become the person that I want to be...

- B <3

'Cause I'm only human.

Last night was okayish. Got into an argument with my grandma, didn't go to bed until much too late and then woke up this morning and argued with my baby :(

But the day got better.....

I went to work, had a decent day there - mostly because I did not have to deal with my boss - and then got home, made up with my sweetie, went to his dad's house for ceremony and wound up ending the day far better than we started it.

I was blessed enough to get a whole lot of healing out of not only the lodge tonight, but just from being around the people that were there.

I saw two people who are very dear to me reconnecting on an amazing level.

It was good things all around.

Maybe it does pay off to just keeping moving forward, or just keep moving in general. I am going to try to keep moving, as Dory from Finding Nemo said.....

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..." :)

- B

Song of the day: "Human" by One Call

"Darkness is temporary, soon will come the light and I've made it through the very coldest part of night" <3

Let's get together and feel alright.

Have you ever been at a complete loss for words?
                Probably, and more than likely in both a good and a bad way.

Today, I really did not know what to say or how to say it. I was feeling rather lousy about myself and I basically just wanted to curl up in bed under the covers and cry... and then my baby, the miracle that he is, asked me that dreaded of all questions; "Are you okay?".

Of course, I can hold it today under almost any circumstance as long as someone does not ask me if I'm okay... So I broke down, cried, felt completely lost... and I could not explain why.

I will be honest, I've considered talking to my doctor, finding out about counseling, but I was ashamed... I didn't want to admit there was a problem or that I had these feelings... but hearing someone else suggest it made me feeling like it wasn't unreasonable. I feel reassured.

I really don't know what  my plan is. I don't know if I'm going to go to the doctor,  I don't know if I'll go to counseling.... But I feel okay about it now, I feel like it's an option.

I feel a little better than I did when I got out of bed this morning, maybe not 100% better but still, better.

That being said, I have been thinking about what I can do to make myself feel better...I've been trying to make a plan.... and I think I'm going to start with little goals.

My goal this week: Exercise at least three days this week.

Easy enough, right? Doubtful but as long as I try, that's what counts.

- B

Song of the day: "One Love" by Bob Marley

"One love. One heart. Let's get together a feel alright."

We are glass.....

I had school tonight and it was really good. We talked about working with minorities and recognizing and avoiding discrimination. We had some really interesting conversations.

Now here I am at home. My honey is watching some movie, I want to ball my eyes out but I don't.
It's really hard to stay strong sometimes. Really flippin' hard.

I want to cry, but at the same time I am so, so tired of crying.

I have so much that I want to do and so many things that I want to get accomplished but it seems almost impossible sometimes. I know that I am pretty unhealthy right now. I'm overweight, and being as diabetes runs in my family I know this is something I need to worry about... However, I feel so overwhelmed between college, work, and attempting to keep my relationship strong that I feel like I don't have time to work out, or walk, and on a budget eating healthy is super hard.

It's always, "I'll work out later after I get this done" or "I'll start Monday cause I don't like starting a routine in the middle of the week".... Excuses, excuses, and I know that's all they are.

This makes me even more depressed about me being overweight and it just turns into a vicious cycle.
Of course, I have tons of support - my baby being at the top of the list, but if I don't believe in myself how am I suppose to make a change??

I feel stuck. Like a hamster on a ever turning wheel of life...

I suppose it is all just overwhelming... I guess it's just life, right?
Maybe?

I don't know......

What I do now is that I want to change somthing.... Well, a couple of things....

1. I want to lose weight. Not just to be "skinny" or "pretty" but because I know I need to so that I can be healthier.

2. I want to realize my worth. Longshot, right? Probably but it's something I want so I'm listing it.

3. I would really, really, love to be able to go one week without wanting to lose my frickin' mind.

I don't really know how to accomplish all of the above.... Perhaps I should "sleep on it"?

Avas, I have to get up early in the morning for school... Let's hope tomorrow is a good day.

- B

Song of the day: "Glass" by Thompson Square

"We may shine, we may shatter, we may be pickin' up the pieces here on after. We are fragile, we are human, we are shaped by the light we let through us. We break fast, cause we are glass"

If only I were a song...

"Stories wait for endings while songs are bold things brave enough to sing when all they know is darkness" - Jamie Tworkowski

These words cannot be more true.

I don't like he typical "this is who I am" first post when I begin a blog... But a little insight as to why I created this blog; I'm a girl, I'm depressed, I want to make my life better, I want to be happy.
This is my way of working towards that goal.

A little about me:
I'm a 20 year old Native American college student who wants to change the world.
I love music, I love my family, I have the most amazing man in my life, and I am extremely blessed.

However, it has been a very tough year for me and my family; we have lost a few people who are near and dear to us and on top of that, starting college, working, and trying to make a relationship more than just work in this day and time I have become a little depressed... But, I am trying to work against this.

One of the people that I have lost this year was my Papa, John. He was a good man. Crazy as can be, but that is why we love him (Yes. I do not speak in passed tense, because I do still love him just the same)...
 Papa always told me the same thing "You're an old soul" and most importantly, "a nation is only as strong as the backbone of it's women"

Tonight after having a near breakdown because of above said stress, I remember the latter and it made me take a deep breath and realize; I am a strong woman and I deserve to be happy.

So, as Papa would so wholeheartedly say; It's time to kick ass and take names.

This is a outlet for me. I don' expect people to read it or respond to it but it is what it is.

- B <3

Song of the day: "Stand" by Rascal Flatts